A step by step guide to hosting an authentic lockdown Glastonbury Festival.
Hello Reader! Nice to see you here again. Its been a while, and since we last spoke, the world seems to have imploded and there are absolutely no races to talk about. So here I am, writing about something very un-running related, the worlds greatest music get-together, Glastonbury Festival.
Like everything else fun this year, Glastonbury has been cancelled. A forced fallow year down on Worthy Farm, I imagine the cows are thoroughly loving it, so much so I might start a half baked Youtube Conspiracy theory video claiming they started this whole pandemic, damn those cows and their 5G masts!
If you’re stuck at home, pining for a extra strong cider in a field in Pilton, worrying about how you could possibly have the most genuine Glastonbury experience from your own living room, well fear not, I’ve compiled a list of mandatory steps you must take in order to replicate a weekend down on the world famous farm. You can find them just after this dashing photo of yours truly in 2013.
Look Mum! Im at Glastonbury! Photo : Jamie King
Step One : Travel
In his infinite wisdom, festival organiser Michael Eavis decided he’d host this big musical meet up on his farm, completely neglecting the fact that it was indeed in the arse end of nowhere, and anyone from the rest of the country would have to plan a military style expedition to the festivals epicentre. If you drive there, or use public transport, there’s one thing you can guarantee when you get there, you are in for a big old walk to find somewhere to camp. This weekend, I’d strongly suggest driving your car around 2 -ish miles away from your house, filling a rucksack with the heaviest items from your kitchen cupboard, and treking home. In the process, its not required, but strongly suggested, that you pull a muscle in your back, to keep this experience as authentic as possible. Once you get home, make sure you queue for a good 4 hours to get back into your own house, dabbling with a bit of sunstroke in the process.
Day one is so full of optimism.
Step Two : Accommodation
Stick your mattress in the loft because you certainly wont be needing it this weekend! Maximum discomfort during sleep is now your ultimate goal. Got some loose stones in your garden? Bring them in, these are your new bedding. Grab a sleeping bag and break the zip on it, ensure the end of it is somewhat damp, and things are starting to come together nicely! If you do have a tent, go on and whack it up in the garden. If you don’t, you’re going to need to buy some heaters and whack those bad boys up to the maximum setting you can, because if you’re not sweating when you’re trying to put your clothes on in the morning, you’re not at Glastonbury.
Quite the bargain at only 394 syns!
Step Three : Food
Over the past years, the food at Glastonbury has actually got pretty decent. So go down your local socially distant supermarket and treat yourself to a nice gourmet burger, a delicious Pieminister or why not get the ingredients for a nice Keema Aloo chapati. Once you’re out the shop, make sure you check your receipts, work out the cost of your purchases, and throw thrice the amount of that into the nearest shrubbery, were not skimping on cost here! If these food suggestions just aren’t quite what you're after, One of the more finer delicacies available on site is Pauline Fowler’s Growler, this questionably named dish is a fan favourite, guaranteed to fill you up for the next 8 hours due to its rather high carb content.
Please drink responsibly
Step Four : Drink
Ok ok, its the real reason were all here, to have far too much to drink. Your finest glass wear is useless here so if you can, get yourself some paper cups to decant your festival strength ciders in to. If not, go straight for the can, but make sure you leave it in your car for 7-10 hours to reach optimum near boiled temperature. For my own personal, optimum, Glastonbury experience, you’ll want to drink the majority of your alcohol on the first evening, ensure you only make it half in your tent, and render your body near useless for the next 3/4 days.
Nothing sets the scene like the sweet slam and scent of the long drops
Step Five : Personal Hygiene
We’re getting into the finer details now, the ones that, come Monday, are going to make you’ve really been away for the weekend. First off, you’re going to need to disconnect any running water you have in your home and stick near empty hand gel dispensers where your taps once were. You’re also going to need to take the light bulb out your bathroom and make sure you stop flushing your toilet, making that late night loo trip one that’ll haunt you for weeks to follow. I’d also recommend giving yourself sunburn in a really inconvenient place, I’d strongly advice around the knee area, so you have to spend at least one day of the weekend limping. Don’t you dare even think about going near a shower either, you’re now a fully fledged member of the Great Unwashed.
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, staying alive is a struggle at times.
Step Six : Music
Oh yes, the music! The BBC are going to pretty much have the weekend covered for you in this regard. They’re going to be showing a multitude of sets from headliners throughout the years and it is going to be perfect. Too perfect infact. Glastonbury always looks amazing on the TV, but we don’t want that! First of, despite what the hit 90s band James say, don’t sit down to watch any of it, sitting down is for losers, you’re a harden festival goer now. I’d also highly recommend that, every time one of your favourite tunes comes on the tele, stick a podcast and or the radio on at the same time, so you cant quite fully enjoy it without listening to someone else’s conversation, not everyone is here for the music you know! As for the multi-angle HD visuals, they’re going to need obscuring. If you live with someone who is taller than you, go stand behind them, if you’re the tallest, make sure you invest in at least 3 flags to stick between you and the TV to make sure you cant quite see.
Step Seven : Chris Martin
This could well be the most fundamental step of the whole weekend. Like an embarrassing rash that Sudocream just wont shift, Chris Martin is prone to popping up just when you least expect him. Just like rats in an old wives tale, at Glastonbury, you’re never more than 6ft away from a Chris Martin appearance. Of course you cant all invite him round this weekend, Gwyneth is busy steaming herself, so Chris has his fruit based kids this weekend. Fear not though, I’ve attached a lovely image of St.Christopher of Glastonbury that you can leave randomly around your house, surprising yourself when he pops up when you least expect it. #KeepItDownChris
Well, I think that gives you enough to contemplate over the next couple of days. If you follow these simple steps, hopefully, you’ll be feeling completely awful on Monday morning, but at least no-one will be able to smell your beer towel breath whilst you’re on that Zoom meeting. If you fancying listening to some of the very songs that Pyramid Stage headliners have delivered, than look no further than The Greatest Glastonbury Headliners Running Playlist that I’ve compiled over in the playlists section! Hopefully you will enjoy at least 1 to 58 of the songs on the list. Have a great weekend, and who knows, in the future, maybe we will bump into each other at a future Glastonbury as we awkwardly try and go into the same portaloo at the same time. x
